Gary Bettman Pleased NHL Playoffs Met With Relative Indifference
Written by Andy   
Wednesday, 14 April 2010 22:41
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman delivers the state of the league press conference in Chicago, May 28, 2010. The Philadelphia Flyers will take on the Chicago Blackhawks in game one of the Stanley Cup Finals starting May 29. REUTERS/Jeff Haynes (UNITED STATES - Tags: SPORT ICE HOCKEY HEADSHOT)

The NHL playoffs have begun, and Commissioner Gary Bettman says he could not be more pleased as sports fans everywhere have greeted the NHL with relative indifference.

"This is so much better than what we had hoped for," said Bettman. "Just knowing that a few people might care a little bit, and that everyone isn't totally disinterested in our league's playoffs makes me feel like I'm doing my job."

 
Lengthy Roethlisberger Suspension Called For By Fans In Cleveland, Baltimore
Written by Andy   
Tuesday, 13 April 2010 20:02
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger looks on during the team's NFL football game against the Miami Dolphins in Miami, in this January 3, 2010 file photo. Roethlisberger was suspended for six games without pay on Wednesday and must undergo behavioural evaluation for violating the NFL's personal-conduct policy. The 28-year-old Roethlisberger, who won Super Bowls with Pittsburgh in 2006 and 2009, was accused in March of sexually assaulting a 20-year-old female college student in a nightclub. REUTERS/Hans Deryk/Files (UNITED STATES - Tags: SPORT FOOTBALL)

Cleveland, Baltimore and even Cincinnati football fans are adamantly demanding Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger be suspended for a long time for his recent off field behavior.

"How can you trust a guy that would display behavior like that? Especially if he plays for Pittsburgh. Ugh," said Browns fan Morris Jackson, shuddering in disgust.

 
Tiger Woods Return Inspiring Nation's Adulterous Husbands
Written by Andy   
Friday, 09 April 2010 14:00
AUGUSTA, GA - APRIL 10: Tiger Woods lines up a putt on the sixth green during the third round of the 2010 Masters Tournament at Augusta National Golf Club on April 10, 2010 in Augusta, Georgia. (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Tiger Woods return to golf has been an inspiration to adulterous husbands all across the country. Cheating husbands were in need of encouragement for quite some time, and Tiger Woods has given them a much needed boost.

 
Media Questions UConn Women's Decision To Keep Winning
Written by Andy   
Wednesday, 07 April 2010 13:18
SAN ANTONIO - APRIL 04: Head coach Geno Auriemma of the Connecticut Huskies reacts in a game against the Baylor Bears during the Women's Final Four Semifinals at the Alamodome on April 4, 2010 in San Antonio, Texas. (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

The media has questioned the decision by the UConn women's basketball team and its head coach Geno Auriemma to keep winning. By earning yet another national championship, UConn has extended its NCAA record winning streak to 78 games, but according to the media they are killing the game of basketball, and it would be best if they weren't so concerned with winning all the time.

 
Obama Approval Rating Plummets Among Major League Pitching Coaches
Written by Andy   
Tuesday, 06 April 2010 22:25
U.S. President Barack Obama throws out the first pitch of the Washington Nationals' season opening game against the Philadelphia Phillies at Nationals Park in Washington on April 5, 2010. UPI/Kevin Dietsch Photo via Newscom

A poll taken around the Major League Baseball indicates President Obama's approval rating has plummeted to a mere three percent among all pitching coaches. The result of Obama's high and wide first pitch on Opening Day has left pitching coaches wary of his ability to lead this country.

 
Really Clever Taunts Aimed At Donovan McNabb Suddenly Useless
Written by Andy   
Monday, 05 April 2010 23:03
Washington Redskins new quarterback Donovan McNabb holds a jersey, after head coach Mike Shanahan introduced McNabb to the team, at a press conference at Redskins Park in Ashburn, Virginia on April 6, 2010. The Philadelphia Eagles traded McNabb to the Washington Redskins for a pair of draft picks in the upcoming NFL draft. UPI/Kevin Dietsch Photo via Newscom

As a result of the Donovan McNabb trade to the Washington Redskins, some new and clever taunts aimed at McNabb have suddenly become useless. Twenty-seven-year-old Tyson Suskrand, a lifelong Eagles fan from suburban Philadelphia, had been working tirelessly on some fresh new taunts for McNabb, but will now be unable to use them.

 
Eight Year Old Reports No Pain After Playing Catch
Written by Andy   
Friday, 02 April 2010 22:34

Photo from fOTOGLIF

Eight-year old Tommy Miller of Sienna Valley, California is happy to report that he felt no pain after playing catch with his father for about ten or fifteen minutes after supper. Earlier in the day, young Tommy had been suffering from unidentified abdominal pain which he simply described as a 'really bad tummy ache'.

 
Kevin Kolb Already Discussing Donovan McNabb Trade In Past Tense
Written by Andy   
Wednesday, 31 March 2010 22:10
PHILADELPHIA - AUGUST 15:  (L-R) Kevin Kolb #4, Donovan McNabb #5, Michael Vick #7 and A.J. Feeley #14 train during a workout at the NovaCare Complex on August 15, 2009 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  (Photo by Len Redkoles/Getty Images)

Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb has already begun discussing the Donovan McNabb trade in the past tense, as though it has already taken place. McNabb has been rumored to be on the move with Kolb as his likely successor.

 
Nets Cut Short Victory Celebration After Realizing They're Still Terrible
Written by Andy   
Tuesday, 30 March 2010 13:16
Mar. 29, 2010 - East Rutherford, NEW JERSEY, UNITED STATES - epa02098195 The Nets' Devin Harris (C) celebrates with Courtney Lee (R) as the Spurs' Matt Bonner (L) walks by during the fourth quarter of the game between the San Antonio Spurs and the New Jersey Nets at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey, USA, on 29 March 2010.

The New Jersey Nets were able to win game number ten last night, but stopped their post game celebration short. Players were happy to have avoided the all-time record low of nine wins in a single season, but eventually realized winning only ten games is still really terrible.

 
Yankees Pass on C.C. Sabathia For Coveted 5th Starter Spot
Written by Andy   
Sunday, 28 March 2010 21:11

Photo from fOTOGLIF

The New York Yankees announced that Phil Hughes has been named the team's 5th starter, after winning a hotly contested competition in Spring Training. Sabathia says he is disappointed, but would reluctantly go along with the decision.

 
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