The NHL playoffs have begun, and Commissioner Gary Bettman says he could not be more pleased as sports fans everywhere have greeted the NHL with relative indifference.

"This is so much better than what we had hoped for," said Bettman. "Just knowing that a few people might care a little bit, and that everyone isn't totally disinterested in our league's playoffs makes me feel like I'm doing my job."

Cleveland, Baltimore and even Cincinnati football fans are adamantly demanding Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger be suspended for a long time for his recent off field behavior.

"How can you trust a guy that would display behavior like that? Especially if he plays for Pittsburgh. Ugh," said Browns fan Morris Jackson, shuddering in disgust.

Tiger Woods return to golf has been an inspiration to adulterous husbands all across the country. Cheating husbands were in need of encouragement for quite some time, and Tiger Woods has given them a much needed boost.

The media has questioned the decision by the UConn women's basketball team and its head coach Geno Auriemma to keep winning. By earning yet another national championship, UConn has extended its NCAA record winning streak to 78 games, but according to the media they are killing the game of basketball, and it would be best if they weren't so concerned with winning all the time.

A poll taken around the Major League Baseball indicates President Obama's approval rating has plummeted to a mere three percent among all pitching coaches. The result of Obama's high and wide first pitch on Opening Day has left pitching coaches wary of his ability to lead this country.

As a result of the Donovan McNabb trade to the Washington Redskins, some new and clever taunts aimed at McNabb have suddenly become useless. Twenty-seven-year-old Tyson Suskrand, a lifelong Eagles fan from suburban Philadelphia, had been working tirelessly on some fresh new taunts for McNabb, but will now be unable to use them.

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Eight-year old Tommy Miller of Sienna Valley, California is happy to report that he felt no pain after playing catch with his father for about ten or fifteen minutes after supper. Earlier in the day, young Tommy had been suffering from unidentified abdominal pain which he simply described as a 'really bad tummy ache'.

Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb has already begun discussing the Donovan McNabb trade in the past tense, as though it has already taken place. McNabb has been rumored to be on the move with Kolb as his likely successor.

The New Jersey Nets were able to win game number ten last night, but stopped their post game celebration short. Players were happy to have avoided the all-time record low of nine wins in a single season, but eventually realized winning only ten games is still really terrible.

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The New York Yankees announced that Phil Hughes has been named the team's 5th starter, after winning a hotly contested competition in Spring Training. Sabathia says he is disappointed, but would reluctantly go along with the decision.