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Johnny Damon and his agent Scott Boras have been holding out for an ideal contract this offseason. Their hard stance finally paid off, as Damon has inked a two year deal with the cell phone provider he sought all along.

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The New York Mets are outraged with their centerfielder Carlos Beltran and his decision to perform surgery on his own knee. The team had hoped Beltran would have sought the services of an actual sports medicine physician.

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Lennox Tucker, a utility player for the San Diego Padres with marginal talent, is very upset upon learning that the steroids he just purchased will in no way improve his performance. He recently discovered that steroids merely increase one's ability to stay healthy or accelerate recovery from injury, while doing virtually nothing to enhance hand eye coordination, power, strength or athleticism.

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At last, former Cardinals slugger and current Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire has divulged the details of his past. He finally admitted to playing baseball in the major leagues for fifteen seasons.

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An immature group of individuals apparently doesn't think too highly of former major league pitcher, current Twins television analyst Bert Blyleven. Blyleven awoke this morning, only to find that someone had left a massive turd on his front porch.

Major league baseball's offseason is typically filled with news from the big market teams, such as the trade of Roy Halladay to the Phillies. However the Pittsburgh Pirates, a small market club, are looking to make a splash themselves, and have announced that they acquired a brand new hot dog machine for their concession stand.

Baseball's winter meetings are underway, and of course the Yankees are again making the headlines, this time with their role in a three team trade that brought them Curtis Granderson from the Tigers. Several teams have been relatively quiet so far, including the Royals, whose general manager, Dayton Moore, swears he's in attendance at the meetings.

All-Star catcher Joe Mauer and the Minnesota Twins are continuing extension talks regarding the length of Mauer's sideburns. If the two sides are unable to reach an agreement, Mauer's future in Minnesota will remain uncertain.

Major League Baseball has placed an asterisk next to Sammy Sosa's skin rejuvenation process, attempting to guard against current and former players looking like complete morons. Sosa underwent an elective skin rejuvenation process that made him look like, well, take a look for yourself.

With the conclusion of the World Series, players with expired contracts were eligible to file for free agency. The list of free agents consists of some big names, including Jason Bay, Matt Holliday and John Lackey, as well as several others. The Baltimore Oriole fan base has also decided to try their luck on the free agent market.