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Written by Andy
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Thursday, 05 November 2009 12:40 |
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The New York Yankees won their 27th World Series title in franchise history last night, but the tone was surprisingly one of indifference. Yankee management appeared to be completely bored with the outcome of buying a World Series title, and has now set their sights on buying something else.
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Written by Andy
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Monday, 02 November 2009 13:12 |
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Inexplicably, the Phillies allowed Johnny Damon to steal two bases on the same pitch in the ninth inning of a 4-4 game in the World Series. After the game, the Phillies inattentiveness continued, as Damon was able to kidnap the Philly Phanatic.
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Written by Andy
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Thursday, 29 October 2009 10:23 |
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Following their game one defeat at the hands of the Phillies, the New York Yankees and their fans are starting to panic. It is believed that the Yankees will use any means necessary to win game two, even if it means elevating Joba Chamberlain's pitchcount to as many as five pitches.
"We have to do what we have to do," said manager Joe Girardi. "Joba will have to elevate his game and possibly the number of pitches he is able to throw. Five pitches is a lot for him at this stage of the season, but we need big things from everyone, Joba included."
If Chamberlain is unable to throw up to five pitches, Girardi says he will be forced to use Mariano Rivera for at least three innings after using four other pitchers to throw 1/3 of an inning each.
"It's just the Yankee protocol for an important game," said Girardi. "At least while I'm managing it will be."
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Written by Andy
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Monday, 26 October 2009 08:38 |
In recent years, Major League Baseball has been notorious for scheduling playoffs games to meet the needs of television networks. The World Series match-up between the Phillies and Yankees is no exception. To accomodate Fox and their primetime programming, the series is not slated to start until 2013.
"Fox is giving us a boatload of money," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "So we have to accomodate every request that they throw our way. It doesn't matter if we lose fans in the process, we have to schedule our games around Fox's programming."
To no one's surprise, Fox is very happy with the arrangement.
"We are very pleased that Bud Selig and MLB meet our requests for the scheduling of playoff and World Series games, even if the breaks in between games are completely ridiculous," said a Fox executive. "But we can assure the American baseball fan that the Phillies-Yankees World Series will begin in 2013, right after House and American Idol finish their successful runs on our network." |
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Written by Andy
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Thursday, 22 October 2009 11:01 |
With several controversial calls during this year's playoffs, major league umpiring has drawn a great deal of scrutiny. But last night, after making a correct call on a routine ground out in the 6th inning during the Phillies-Dodgers game, 1st base umpire Gary Cederstrom promptly announced his retirement.
"Yeah, it was kind of an unusual move, but I wanted to go out on top," said Cederstrom. "Retiring at the peak of your profession isn't something that most people are able to do. I didn't want to regret staying on too long, and making some controversial foul ball call or home run call and have it be incorrect. Now is the right time to walk away." |
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Written by Andy
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Friday, 16 October 2009 09:16 |
With a big series approaching, the Yankees are turning to their big players for the ALCS against the Angels. Manager Joe Girardi announced today that the Yankees will most likely go with a Jeter only batting order for the duration of the series.
"Derek Jeter is clutch. Make that Derek Jeter is the definition of clutch," said Girdardi. "Why wouldn't we want him to take each and every at bat for us? Great players come through in great situations. Sending Jeter to the plate 30 or 40 times a game gives us a better chance to win."
However, by sending Jeter to the plate for every at bat, the Yankees are left with no one to run the bases.
"Yeah, we thought of that," said Girardi. "But by heightening the importance of each at bat, we really think it will lead to 80 or 90 home runs for Derek in this series. He is the definition of clutch, after all." |
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Written by Andy
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Tuesday, 13 October 2009 09:25 |
Despite a desperate three out rally attempt in the 9th inning, the Colorado Rockies were eliminated from the playoffs by the Philadelphia Phillies. Rockies shortstop, Troy Tulowitzki, who was struck out by Phillies closer Brad Lidge for the third out in the 9th inning, refused to let the game end.
"C'mon guys, we can still do it," said Tulowitzki, frantically taking cuts against imaginary pitches. "We're not out of it yet. Hey Lidge, is that all you got?!?"
As Tulowitzki was taking hacks, Rockies outfielder Carlos Gonzalez, who was on second for the third out, repeatedly ran around the bases until collapsing.
"Did we do it?" said the obviously fatigued and bewildered outfielder. "Rocktober....we can't let Rocktober end!"
The futile comeback mercifully ended when the stadium staff finally decided to turn off the lights. |
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Written by Andy
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Monday, 12 October 2009 10:47 |
Alex Rodriguez finally stepped up, clubbing two key home runs that lifted the Yankees to an ALDS sweep of the Minnesota Twins. However, due to his lack of postseason production historically, and the Yankees recent lack of postseason success, a confused A-Rod began celebrating what he believed to be a World Series victory.
"We won the World Series!" said a jubilant Rodriguez. "It feels so good to finally be a champion. Hopefully people will mention me along side other great champions too, like my teammate Derek Jeter. I guess this is old hat for Jeter. He doesn't seem to be as happy as me, but he's won like 10 World Series before I got here. Probably not a big deal anymore."
Despite having one more round to go to even reach the World Series, Jeter let A-Rod enjoy his moment.
"He doesn't get too many opportunities to celebrate a big win," said Jeter, "so we'll let him have this. Besides, if he stinks it up against the Angels [in the ALCS], things will go back to normal and fans won't like him anymore. But they will continue to love me and my continued heads up, clutch performances. Like when I took that pitch for ball two yesterday. That was sweet." |
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Written by Andy
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Saturday, 10 October 2009 08:18 |
With yet another improbable playoff win, this time a 4-3 extra innings victory, with a 9th inning homer by Alex Rodriguez and an 11th inning walk off home run by Mark Teixeira, the New York Yankees have proven that they can still win games in a completely irritating fashion. The game also included a blown call on a ball hit by Joe Mauer, a ball called foul, that should have been ruled a double. His double would have given the Twins the lead in extra innings. Instead, it merely added more movitation for Yankee players to piss everyone else off.
"I love getting under people's skin," said a smirking Alex Rodriguez. "So tonight, we took the approach to sit back, and let the Twins get what they viewed as a comfortable 3-1 lead. Then, since it was the ninth inning, Tex [Mark Teixeira] and I said we'd better tie this thing up. So we did. Then that walk-off by Tex was just the icing on the cake."
Yankee players are not the only members of the organization that enjoy infuriating fans of every other baseball team.
Said owner Harold (Or is it Heathcliffe? I don't know, some name with an H) Steinbrenner, "That's why we go out and spend $800 million dollars each off season and have a quarter of a billion annual payroll, for moments like this. To see the angered looks on non-Yankee fans faces makes it all worth it. We're not in this for the World Series titles, secretly, we just REALLY like irritating people, particularly baseball fans." |
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Written by Andy
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Wednesday, 07 October 2009 14:06 |
The Twins continued their improbable late season run, with a one game playoff victory over the Detroit Tigers in extra innings. Many are attributing the Twins victory to Metrodome magic, as this is the last season the Twins will play in the dome. Today, it was revealed that Metrodome magic was just some dude in the upper deck with a magic 8 ball.
"It was cool," said Tom Smuckers, a 33 year old Twins fan from Martinburg, MN. "I'd ask the magic 8 ball a question and it was always a positive response. 'Are the Twins going to win?' I asked, and the response was 'Most likely'. When I asked, 'Will Gomez score?' it replied 'It is decidedly so'. It was awesome!"
News of the magic 8 ball has sent Minneapolis area retailers into a frenzy, looking for more magic 8 balls, ouija boards, and other magic kits designed for kids.
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